Giddy Giddy Carousel
(BGM: Red Lorry Yellow Lorry "Talk Abobut the Weather*")
Been a lot on my mind lately, though mostly the same type of stuff. Have been in a sort of funk, but with the weather being as warm and pleasant as it has been ("Indian Summer") it's hard to be in any kind of funk, so I've been in a reasonably good mood. Of course adverse weather doesn't affect me nearly as much as the changing of seasons, and now that it's Autumn with Elections very near, the new fiscal year underway, and students crawling all over the University campus . . . ESPECIALLY with all of the students back . . . all of the old nagging questions come to the forefront: "why have I no college degree? Why didn't I finsh school? Why, as a nearly-middle-aged adult man, surrounded by tens of thoudands of beautiful young women, do I feel incredibly frustrated and guilty?"
And so it goes . . . .
Last Monday around lunchtime Arik and I found ourselves walking around the neighborhood marvelling at the abovementioned flocks of young women/girls, feeling a bit too old and basically like dirty old men. Sometimes it's fun to feel this way, but mostly it's not very fun (makes you feel dated and useless at best, or superior and indifferent at worst.) On the previous evening Arik had knocked on my window and we ended up drinking, surfung the internet, and watching WACO: Rules of Engagement 'til the wee hours of the morning. At some point during the surfing and downloading Arik tried to convince me that I was "loney" (i.e. lonely, it's an old joke : ) and I had to insist that I wasn't. He tried to tell me that I deserved a significant other or grilfriend or what have you and obviously I was in the market what with this journal and all of the adult friend finding services I belong to, and yet I still tried to insist that at this point I'm probably a commited life-long bachelor with no prospects. Some of the things he said rang true to me, and yet it still doesn't change my outloook: online there are as many (if not more) beautiful young women and yet they all seem equally unattianable or mismatched to the odd duck that I am. Not to mention Uncle Kevin's Cardinal Rule ("no dating within the workplace") and there are always plenty of beautiful and talented young women there. Just rambling right now, but these things are always on my mind anyway.
My dreams have been wonderful lately, typically cryptic and filled with allegory and allusions to things that only I would know about, so unfortunately I cannot share them with you at this point (I will say this: some people write down a dream journal every morning or right after they have a dream regardless of the time of day, and this seems to work for them. As for myself my dream journal is kept within the confines of my dreaming mind itself, and as such my dream-life or dream-world is actually extremely well-developed and always has been. My inner dream journal has basically been my guide to the collective unconscious and a keen psychic investagatory tool all these years, through which I've often been able to see future events many years down the road . . . "oh no I've said too much.")
More later. I just wanted to get these things down while I had a spare moment.
*an old fave band and an all-time fave song for when I'm pissed-off/angry, not that I am angry today, however
Been a lot on my mind lately, though mostly the same type of stuff. Have been in a sort of funk, but with the weather being as warm and pleasant as it has been ("Indian Summer") it's hard to be in any kind of funk, so I've been in a reasonably good mood. Of course adverse weather doesn't affect me nearly as much as the changing of seasons, and now that it's Autumn with Elections very near, the new fiscal year underway, and students crawling all over the University campus . . . ESPECIALLY with all of the students back . . . all of the old nagging questions come to the forefront: "why have I no college degree? Why didn't I finsh school? Why, as a nearly-middle-aged adult man, surrounded by tens of thoudands of beautiful young women, do I feel incredibly frustrated and guilty?"
And so it goes . . . .
Last Monday around lunchtime Arik and I found ourselves walking around the neighborhood marvelling at the abovementioned flocks of young women/girls, feeling a bit too old and basically like dirty old men. Sometimes it's fun to feel this way, but mostly it's not very fun (makes you feel dated and useless at best, or superior and indifferent at worst.) On the previous evening Arik had knocked on my window and we ended up drinking, surfung the internet, and watching WACO: Rules of Engagement 'til the wee hours of the morning. At some point during the surfing and downloading Arik tried to convince me that I was "loney" (i.e. lonely, it's an old joke : ) and I had to insist that I wasn't. He tried to tell me that I deserved a significant other or grilfriend or what have you and obviously I was in the market what with this journal and all of the adult friend finding services I belong to, and yet I still tried to insist that at this point I'm probably a commited life-long bachelor with no prospects. Some of the things he said rang true to me, and yet it still doesn't change my outloook: online there are as many (if not more) beautiful young women and yet they all seem equally unattianable or mismatched to the odd duck that I am. Not to mention Uncle Kevin's Cardinal Rule ("no dating within the workplace") and there are always plenty of beautiful and talented young women there. Just rambling right now, but these things are always on my mind anyway.
My dreams have been wonderful lately, typically cryptic and filled with allegory and allusions to things that only I would know about, so unfortunately I cannot share them with you at this point (I will say this: some people write down a dream journal every morning or right after they have a dream regardless of the time of day, and this seems to work for them. As for myself my dream journal is kept within the confines of my dreaming mind itself, and as such my dream-life or dream-world is actually extremely well-developed and always has been. My inner dream journal has basically been my guide to the collective unconscious and a keen psychic investagatory tool all these years, through which I've often been able to see future events many years down the road . . . "oh no I've said too much.")
More later. I just wanted to get these things down while I had a spare moment.
*an old fave band and an all-time fave song for when I'm pissed-off/angry, not that I am angry today, however
posted by BeerPimp at 10:56 AM
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